Forcing Jiu Jitsu on the Rest of the Fam (Doesn't Work)

In an ideal world, my entire family would share the mats with me. We'd pack up our bags together, train together and grow together. Alas, this is not the case. And truth be told, I'm better for it.

To all my fellow practitioners who are able to achieve this dream, mazeltov! But it's not in the cards for me. My son has been training alongside me for almost two years and it's paid off in dividends. He's an eater and a gamer and if it weren't for the grappling gauntlet Coach puts him through 2-3 times a week, he'd be in terrible shape left to his own devices. But the Mrs. isn't game. The girl loves a good fight and has really terrific instincts (she's indulged me for several open mats) but she insists on the separation of church and state.

And then there's my little girl - a five year-old, fireball of sassy energy. In school, she has focus and attention issues, melting down when she's tasked with a challenging activity. At home, she loves tackling her older brother, landing a choke hold and demanding he tap out. And she loves the gym. Her bond with our head Coach is amazing and everyone knows and loves her. Thus my thinking to have her train with her brother, formally, as she'd learn that hard work and perseverance was the secret to success. She'd have an entire crew of coaches reinforcing that structure and discipline wasn't about control and power so much as it was about safety and communication. She'd learn that actions have consequences, that bullying is never a smart tactic to get what you want. And of course, she'd enjoy the companionship of her teammates. But after six or seven sessions, we are taking a break. Initially, she was excited by the prospect as she's watched numerous classes and has asked to train.  She loved putting on her gi and joining the rest of the team on the mats (as were her new teammates who had gotten to know her over time). The first couple of classes were full-on disasters; she couldn't stay in line, she'd wander the perimeter of the mats when everyone else was warming up, she'd talk through instruction and would freeze up when sparring. "Give it time," I'd tell myself. After all, jiu jitsu is hard for everyone at the start, adults and kids alike. But weeks went by and instead of looking forward to going to the gym, she started hating it. I'd burn up so much energy trying to get her to do the most simple things like listening and standing in line. I also realized that she was stealing attention I could give to other kids in class. Embarrassingly, I started bribing her with junk food and video games to get her on the mats and even then, her interest would wane. It was after one of these trying sessions, when I realized that she wasn't enjoying any of what was on the mats and only doing it to appease me, that I sat her down after class and said that it might be best for everyone to call it quits... at least for now.

Here's the thing:  jiu jitsu is good for you. I truly believe that. The benefits are undeniable. But unlike what many jiujiteiros spout, it's not for everyone. As much as I see the fire in her, as much as I think she'd take to this and that she could channel her aggressive energy into something like this - she just doesn't want to. And if she's not enjoying it, she'll grow to resent it and because it's totally connected to me, she'll end up resenting me. I'll be that sports dad -- the one that forces his kids to embrace the things he's into with no regard for his kids' individual interests or health. I don't want to be that. I want to champion my kids and help them realize their potential. On many occasions, I have told my son that he can quit when he's no longer having fun. Something as challenging as jiu jitsu is not worth it if your heart is not in it. Same goes for my girl. You want to play baseball, ride horses, climb ropes -- have at it. Just make sure it's something you enjoy doing and that it inspires you to get better at it. And when you're truly ready -- when you know what you're in for and you are game for the long journey ahead of you, Daddy will have a fresh gi ready.

(Still) Living in the Suck

So here I am, four years into this journey and I still suck. And in some ways, I suck worse than I did when I was a white belt. As a white belt, you're taking in so much knowledge that anyway you go, it's forward. You show up 3x a week, it's improvment. You nail an armbar or hold side control for 3 seconds, it's improvement. Folks talk a lot about the "blue belt blues" when you plateau in your progression. You doubt yourself because all the peeps you were used to tapping out are getting better and you're finding it harder to submit them or they are tapping you out now. The blue belts you used to give a hard time to aren't taking it easy on you anymore and are capitalizing on your lack of timing and holes in your skill set. But eventually, you hang in there long enough, you persist and at some point, you find your groove again. You make peace with being both hammer and nail, you coach up the newbies with increasing regularity, you achieve a balance between challenging yourself and confidence in your technique. Overall, jiu jitsu feels a lot more natural.

And then you get your purple belt.

I had never spoken to my teammates about how they felt after they received their purple belts. To be honest, some of them stopped attending as often (others not at all). But those that were around, I just didn't think anything of it other than they deserved it (they were obviously better than me). I would congratulate them, look up to them and learn from them, but it never occurred to me to ask them how it felt to progress in that new rank. My coaches have always said that purple belt is where you start to define your game. If so, I'm failing miserably. Am I a takedown guy? I don't think so. But am I a guard puller? Not with my current scramble (or lack thereof). Not only do I have no clue about what my game is, I feel like I've slipped in my progression. By now, I should be relying on instinct, responding spontaneously to my opponent's techniques and imposing my own control on the fight. Definitely not the case; often, I'm locked in self-doubt, over-thinking every position, falling into traps I should have seen coming, missing out on numerous opportunities because my timing is off, etc. And like success breeding success, doubt just wears you out. It's gotten to the point where I rely on discipline most nights to get myself on the mats whereas in the past, I practically skipped into class with an ear to ear grin. I find myself phoning it in during warm-ups and losing focus during drills. Rolling? I'm embarrassing. I rely on old tricks and habits. As my coach would say, I'm getting lazy. While I'm not getting tapped out a lot, I'm also not finishing the fights. I stall when I'm supposed to advance. I hold position more than attack. I execute individual moves instead of sequences. My guard gets passed more than it should. Attempts at sweeps fail far too often. I'm on bottom when I should be on top. I am too responsive and part of that is due to not having a strong picture of where I want the match to go. With this new rank, I feel like I overcame a steep climb and plateau only to find myself upside down with no idea what is on the other side of that hanging cliff.

And yet...

I still get on the mats. On average, I'm there three times a week. And prior to my class, I'm typically helping my coaches with kids classes. But regular attendance is not enough. Not at this point. At this point, I need to define what it is I'm chasing after. It's not a belt, that's for sure. And I'm not in any mindset to compete (though competition has a way of clarifying one's goals and lighting a fire under my ass). If this was writing a book or a play, I'd walk away from it, meditate and then come back when I've figured out my solution. But anyone who practices this art knows any time off the mats will only make it worse. Staying on the mats, I can at least maintain if I can't progress but there's no possibility for progression if I'm not regularly training. The other thing I remind myself is to cancel out the noise (ie. not comparing myself to others - below, at or above my rank). I got my expectations and those of my coaches and that's whom I've got room for. This is my journey and I need to own my successes and achievements as well as my failures and challenges.

So here I am, four years in, purple belt and still living in the suck. And unlike white belt me, I am no longer comfortable with that.

Hitting the Reset Button

I know, I know... you have a button, too, and it's bigger and more powerful than mine. 😆

But seriously, 2018 is upon us and with the new year comes the obligatory resolutions. This year, I am refraining from stating any real resolutions and instead just hitting the reset button.

Millions of people have signed up for gym memberships they'll likely use for the first three months but rest assured, they'll look fabulous in those three months with all the new Under Armour and Lululemon gear they applied their Christmas gift cards to. Despite my snark, I really am a cheerleader. I wish everyone the best of health - in love, in life. All I'm saying is that it takes work and that means serious discipline. Discipline comes into play when all of your friends on your group chat are inviting you out for karaoke where you're bound to consume multiple pitchers of cheap beer and partake in nachos and mozzarella sticks you're not sure who ordered. You have a decision to make. Hanging out with your friends will surely bring you happiness, but it will not bring you any closer to the health goals you have stated for yourself. And while you'll likely rock the mic to Humpty Dance or Baby's Got Back to the crowd's delight, the morning after, you'll be staring at your puffy belly and hating life. And at that point, the last thing you'll want to do is hit the treadmill. Instead, you'll think, "Whatever, I've already hit this low, why stop?" and next thing you know, you've ordered Domino's and cracked open another IPA.

Sound like you? It's definitely me around the holiday time. I dropped approximately 17 pounds for a competition in September and kept that competition weight all through Halloween. It wasn't until after Thanksgiving that I saw the scale creeping up. By Christmas, I had re-gained about 15 pounds. But unlike other go-arounds, I wasn't going to fret. I wasn't going to hate myself. On the flip side, i wasn't going to lie to myself and say that I would lose all of that in the new year. Instead, I was just going to reset.

So what's the difference? Well, for me - a resolution is usually a promise you make to yourself. And it usually addresses some perceived flaw or weakness -- an "area of improvement." Some folks might need that. I have. But this year is different. A reset is acknowledging that the me that lost the weight is the same me that gained it back. A reset doesn't abandon a path for a new one. A reset doesn't accept defeat when you hit a wall. Instead, it doubles down, refocuses and continues to pursue the life goals with renewed vigor -- much like me when I play Battlefront II with my son:  when I'm cut down, I respawn and get back at it -- not throw the remote at the TV and abandon all FPS games from here on out. They say success breeds success -- that having once achieved success, you're likely to do it again. I tend to agree with this. At least this year. Because I have done it before so I'm looking to rinse and repeat and hopefully, refine. When I lost my weight initially, I wasn't really heavier or unhealthier than I am now. That's just what I typically walk around at. But I learned that my body responds well to regular, rigorous exercise. Three times a week on the mats is what I aim for and each time, if I can roll like I mean it, I'm pushing my body and mind further than where it was when I arrived. I learned that my body also agrees with intermittent fasting. I felt more energetic, stronger and, yes, slimmer. Additionally, getting rid of junk like white flour and rice, desserts and, sadly, alcohol (so maybe I don't get rid of beer so much as drastically reducing my intake to two a week).

Now I totally understand that everyone is different. Some of us are starting from zero and need a solid declaration of their goal(s). I get that. But if so, then it doesn't matter a bit if there's no accountability. Who else knows about your goal? Who is holding you to that goal? What is the consequence if you don't achieve it? What's the time frame? Otherwise - it's just something you say like when I tell my wife I'll get around to cleaning out the basement or replacing the outlet covers. But if you're committed, patient and smart enough to achieve your goal, take note of what it took to get you there. Because that's what it'll take to maintain it. And when and if you slip, don't fret - just reset.