Motivation vs Discipline

At last month's promotions, I was upgraded from a one stripe blue belt to a four stripe blue belt. It was quite unexpected and immensely humbling. It means I'm on deck for purple belt next go around and that pressure alone is enough motivation to send me to the mats every night and spar with the hardest teammates.

I know that some folks go into promotions expecting something. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just not how I'm wired. But if you've been working hard at something and every indicator tells you that you deserve a stripe or a new belt, more power to you. Maybe I'm more zen, but I just don't expect it. Most of the time, I'm focusing on where I fall short, where I can improve and what, if any, shortcuts I've taken. Basically, I am my harshest critic. And that compels me to hit the mats more. So when coach kept wrapping bands of tape on my belt, I took a deep breath because he saw something I didn't. He was acknowledging growth I didn't take into account and was commenting on potential that I was not tapping into. It was also a challenge. Because the four stripe white belts now have a new target. The blue belts who got their first stripe are eyeing me harder and ready to make a go of tapping me out. All of that means I can't slack.

It's an interesting thing, motivation. We don't always feel it or respond to it. There are mornings we wake up and all we want to do is throw that blanket over our heads and disappear for a while. Life has a way of messing up your plans, playing with your emotions and headspace. But in the same way, we suck it up, put on pants, brush our teeth and go to work like we care, discipline is what makes up for lack of motivation. I have quit a lot of things in my life and walked away from a lot that has scared me. I stopped pursuing a film career because the idea of working 20 hours a day for years with nothing to show for it overcame any dream of making it. I quit grad school, not once but three times, because the years of study and predicted debt outweighed the potential jobs that might come of an advanced degree. I've turned down job opportunities in different parts of the country because the change in environment was too big a challenge to overcome. But jiu jitsu... I have not quit. I make time for it. I shift things around for it. Because I love it. Not competing. Not dominating another person. Not even the camaraderie. It's because when I roll, I feel stronger and better than I did yesterday and see where I might go tomorrow. And when that vision gets blurry, I get in the car anyways and tell myself that stepping on the mats without a goal is better than staying off the mats with nothing but regret for not going. Motivation and discipline. And sometimes, when both fail you, your coach ups your rank and in doing so, challenges you to prove you deserve to wear it.