(Still) Living in the Suck

So here I am, four years into this journey and I still suck. And in some ways, I suck worse than I did when I was a white belt. As a white belt, you're taking in so much knowledge that anyway you go, it's forward. You show up 3x a week, it's improvment. You nail an armbar or hold side control for 3 seconds, it's improvement. Folks talk a lot about the "blue belt blues" when you plateau in your progression. You doubt yourself because all the peeps you were used to tapping out are getting better and you're finding it harder to submit them or they are tapping you out now. The blue belts you used to give a hard time to aren't taking it easy on you anymore and are capitalizing on your lack of timing and holes in your skill set. But eventually, you hang in there long enough, you persist and at some point, you find your groove again. You make peace with being both hammer and nail, you coach up the newbies with increasing regularity, you achieve a balance between challenging yourself and confidence in your technique. Overall, jiu jitsu feels a lot more natural.

And then you get your purple belt.

I had never spoken to my teammates about how they felt after they received their purple belts. To be honest, some of them stopped attending as often (others not at all). But those that were around, I just didn't think anything of it other than they deserved it (they were obviously better than me). I would congratulate them, look up to them and learn from them, but it never occurred to me to ask them how it felt to progress in that new rank. My coaches have always said that purple belt is where you start to define your game. If so, I'm failing miserably. Am I a takedown guy? I don't think so. But am I a guard puller? Not with my current scramble (or lack thereof). Not only do I have no clue about what my game is, I feel like I've slipped in my progression. By now, I should be relying on instinct, responding spontaneously to my opponent's techniques and imposing my own control on the fight. Definitely not the case; often, I'm locked in self-doubt, over-thinking every position, falling into traps I should have seen coming, missing out on numerous opportunities because my timing is off, etc. And like success breeding success, doubt just wears you out. It's gotten to the point where I rely on discipline most nights to get myself on the mats whereas in the past, I practically skipped into class with an ear to ear grin. I find myself phoning it in during warm-ups and losing focus during drills. Rolling? I'm embarrassing. I rely on old tricks and habits. As my coach would say, I'm getting lazy. While I'm not getting tapped out a lot, I'm also not finishing the fights. I stall when I'm supposed to advance. I hold position more than attack. I execute individual moves instead of sequences. My guard gets passed more than it should. Attempts at sweeps fail far too often. I'm on bottom when I should be on top. I am too responsive and part of that is due to not having a strong picture of where I want the match to go. With this new rank, I feel like I overcame a steep climb and plateau only to find myself upside down with no idea what is on the other side of that hanging cliff.

And yet...

I still get on the mats. On average, I'm there three times a week. And prior to my class, I'm typically helping my coaches with kids classes. But regular attendance is not enough. Not at this point. At this point, I need to define what it is I'm chasing after. It's not a belt, that's for sure. And I'm not in any mindset to compete (though competition has a way of clarifying one's goals and lighting a fire under my ass). If this was writing a book or a play, I'd walk away from it, meditate and then come back when I've figured out my solution. But anyone who practices this art knows any time off the mats will only make it worse. Staying on the mats, I can at least maintain if I can't progress but there's no possibility for progression if I'm not regularly training. The other thing I remind myself is to cancel out the noise (ie. not comparing myself to others - below, at or above my rank). I got my expectations and those of my coaches and that's whom I've got room for. This is my journey and I need to own my successes and achievements as well as my failures and challenges.

So here I am, four years in, purple belt and still living in the suck. And unlike white belt me, I am no longer comfortable with that.

Hitting the Reset Button

I know, I know... you have a button, too, and it's bigger and more powerful than mine. 😆

But seriously, 2018 is upon us and with the new year comes the obligatory resolutions. This year, I am refraining from stating any real resolutions and instead just hitting the reset button.

Millions of people have signed up for gym memberships they'll likely use for the first three months but rest assured, they'll look fabulous in those three months with all the new Under Armour and Lululemon gear they applied their Christmas gift cards to. Despite my snark, I really am a cheerleader. I wish everyone the best of health - in love, in life. All I'm saying is that it takes work and that means serious discipline. Discipline comes into play when all of your friends on your group chat are inviting you out for karaoke where you're bound to consume multiple pitchers of cheap beer and partake in nachos and mozzarella sticks you're not sure who ordered. You have a decision to make. Hanging out with your friends will surely bring you happiness, but it will not bring you any closer to the health goals you have stated for yourself. And while you'll likely rock the mic to Humpty Dance or Baby's Got Back to the crowd's delight, the morning after, you'll be staring at your puffy belly and hating life. And at that point, the last thing you'll want to do is hit the treadmill. Instead, you'll think, "Whatever, I've already hit this low, why stop?" and next thing you know, you've ordered Domino's and cracked open another IPA.

Sound like you? It's definitely me around the holiday time. I dropped approximately 17 pounds for a competition in September and kept that competition weight all through Halloween. It wasn't until after Thanksgiving that I saw the scale creeping up. By Christmas, I had re-gained about 15 pounds. But unlike other go-arounds, I wasn't going to fret. I wasn't going to hate myself. On the flip side, i wasn't going to lie to myself and say that I would lose all of that in the new year. Instead, I was just going to reset.

So what's the difference? Well, for me - a resolution is usually a promise you make to yourself. And it usually addresses some perceived flaw or weakness -- an "area of improvement." Some folks might need that. I have. But this year is different. A reset is acknowledging that the me that lost the weight is the same me that gained it back. A reset doesn't abandon a path for a new one. A reset doesn't accept defeat when you hit a wall. Instead, it doubles down, refocuses and continues to pursue the life goals with renewed vigor -- much like me when I play Battlefront II with my son:  when I'm cut down, I respawn and get back at it -- not throw the remote at the TV and abandon all FPS games from here on out. They say success breeds success -- that having once achieved success, you're likely to do it again. I tend to agree with this. At least this year. Because I have done it before so I'm looking to rinse and repeat and hopefully, refine. When I lost my weight initially, I wasn't really heavier or unhealthier than I am now. That's just what I typically walk around at. But I learned that my body responds well to regular, rigorous exercise. Three times a week on the mats is what I aim for and each time, if I can roll like I mean it, I'm pushing my body and mind further than where it was when I arrived. I learned that my body also agrees with intermittent fasting. I felt more energetic, stronger and, yes, slimmer. Additionally, getting rid of junk like white flour and rice, desserts and, sadly, alcohol (so maybe I don't get rid of beer so much as drastically reducing my intake to two a week).

Now I totally understand that everyone is different. Some of us are starting from zero and need a solid declaration of their goal(s). I get that. But if so, then it doesn't matter a bit if there's no accountability. Who else knows about your goal? Who is holding you to that goal? What is the consequence if you don't achieve it? What's the time frame? Otherwise - it's just something you say like when I tell my wife I'll get around to cleaning out the basement or replacing the outlet covers. But if you're committed, patient and smart enough to achieve your goal, take note of what it took to get you there. Because that's what it'll take to maintain it. And when and if you slip, don't fret - just reset.